Wednesday!

There's still lots to me, I just don't know how to put it into words. I hear voices in my head, not all good and not all bad either. It's like another puzzle for my life to decipher to move ahead and I've got plenty of those by themselves but this adds another layer or depth to it, there's me, the voices and my heart, I like to think. My heart is what drives me to move forward and to help people along the way because wouldn't you want help if you sought it out? I do, so I try to help when I can even if it doesn't really help you at all but the choice you make is yet to be made, so I like to hope for a better ending even if the result is the same. Isn't that what they call insanity? I have no idea, or I should have more of idea, since I did go through a psychotic episode but I didn't learn anything from it besides not to trust the voices because they lie! I used to believe everything they told me. They seemed so logical and hard-boiled. It was hard to not to hear them out, people did react when I addressed them in that way but it wasn't the kind, friendly approach I'm used to, it's more devious, tyrannical and imposing your will onto them. It's more annoying than anything. Calculating all these equations to find the most simplest solution, I started to grow bold and assertive when I wanted something. More like a kid getting candy after hours of crying. It's not how I wanted to be, so I started spending more time alone with these voices to sort them out, they had to have values, right? They were in my head, so they must have sense of honor or something I can use to heed my way to see my way isn't so bad, so what if they didn't like you when you offer a hand to feed them and they bite it. Forgiveness can change the world if not one person at a time. I forgave my voices for putting through my own personal hell where I was the only occupant. They still chose to lie to me but some have changed and help me along. It's not as intense as it was before because of the medication I take every 3 weeks.

Now it's just me and my heart most days, voices pop up once in a while when I'm bored just to razz me. It's just nice to have some confidence in myself now and without the burden of my thoughts provoking other minds. Now if the voices say something in public, I can ignore them and move on like a normal person or what I think is normal. I have very little detail in that regard, I just do things my own way until it works or I find something better to believe/do as I've always done. I haven't completely mastered my mind, it still wanders but now I have some tranquility in my head whereas I felt exposed and grimy for my thoughts because I thought people could hear me even if I said it in my head. It was like something took over my body and I could do nothing but watch through my own eyes, what they do and say around these people. I didn't like it. I read up on body language in my free time to see if I can change anything about myself that people might perceive as weird. There was a few tips I picked up, like keeping my body language open so people would be more friendly towards me in a group. Rather than pick on me, like most group settings I found myself in. It could of been the people I hung around with weren't the greatest either. Anyway, I sound like I'm whining, aha. I'm not. Just trying to figure out what's real and what was in my head. I think I'll end it here and pick up another time or find something new to write about. See you tomorrow probably!