Collision imminent.

 Hello! Cody again, who else? Ahaha. It's been a while since my last post so I thought I could share what's been happening and anything else I can come up with. Well first off, my sisters have been by more often that usual, for no reason, to hang out and stuff. It's nice having them around when they need rest. I love my sisters, no matter what. I wish I could help them out more but I can only do so much by myself, eh? I try not to think about it too hard, might bother me or my voices. So far this year it's been easy to ignore the voices, nothing new they say. Same old crap about disasters, illness and other bleak things. If I believed them like I once did, I don't think I'm coming back from it this time. I don't believe them, I sort of play with them, an example is I listen to them sometimes and talk to them and try to explain things to them because I think they lack empathy and need help to understand this world, I don't think they retain it though. I try nonetheless. Anyways, here's a joke I know...

There's 3 guys in hell waiting to be judged. A stoner, a sex addict and an alcoholic. So the devil talks to these 3 guys and he says, "If I lock you in a room for a 1000 years with what ever you did when you were living and you repent at the end of it, I'll send you back to Earth." They all agree. The alcoholic gets locked in a room of beer. The sex addict gets locked in a room of virgins. Lastly, the stoner gets locked in a room of weed. A 1000 years pass by and the devil decides to check on the 3 guys. First he goes to the alcoholic's room and the alcoholic says, "I'm never drinking again." Poof, back to Earth. Then the devil goes to the sex addict's room and the sex addict says, "My dick hurts, I'm never having sex again." Poof, back to Earth. The devil reaches the stoner's room and he sees him crying in a corner and asks, "What's wrong?" Once the stoner sees him, he gets up and then proceeds to punch him in the face and shouts, "You bitch, you forgot my lighter!"

This one was funny when I first heard it. There's variations of this joke somewhere on the internet. 

Now, it's about midday and I've got nothing to do besides game out or watch videos on YouTube. Lately been watching a 100% walkthrough of Final Fantasy 7 The Remake. It's cool, since I've beaten FF7 a while back on my PS4. Just haven't tried the remake, so been watching that. I'm also playing some games right now, like South Park: The Fractured But Whole and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2 The Sith Lords. Didn't make it too far into South Park but I'm making progress. Star Wars, I'm trying to play through with only blasters and playing dark side 'cause it's better haha. Anyway, I think I'm done here. I'm going to try and enjoy my evening.

Catch up

Yesterday was eventful for a day inside. I didn't do anything out the ordinary, I feel like I got a lot done even if you can't see it. My sisters have been staying over these couple days, it's nice to see them rest and eat. They really push themselves too hard and if I can make them relax for a while, even if it's all I can do, I hope they appreciate it. I love my sisters but they can be trouble when they're on their binges. I hope my sisters can find something they love in this world because I don't think they've found it yet, just the next hit or what ever they use. I'm not disappointed in them, wish they would use their minds once in a while to find somewhere safe and settle down like my place when they need sleep or food. I used to use with them but now I've found better ways to spend my money like on my kids or food or video games. Things I can actually use and have fun with, instead of up in smoke. I still buy weed but not loads of it, it calms me down when I'm feeling stressed. Legal in Canada now anyway, thank you Trudeau!

Anyways, I'm not too sure what else to put 'sides the music I've been listening to these past few years. Let's start off with what I'm listening to right now, The Spill Canvas! I've been listening to these guys for years, since my early twenties I think. The very first song I heard by them was, "So Much" It was recommended to me by a friend for liking the Plain White T's and she said they sounded similar. I didn't think so, but I enjoyed their sound nonetheless, so I looked up other songs like, "The Tide" and "Dutch Courage" They were all good in their own way, plus I liked his voice. Another song I liked because it spoke to me in a way I didn't think anything would was, "3685" A thing only young lovers would get, it was nice to see/hear I wasn't the only one to find at a young age and have it broken because of circumstances. What else? I'm sure you've heard of Nirvana, the band not another song. If you haven't, I don't know what to say. Seriously. Loss for words if you haven't heard at least one Nirvana song in your lifetime. At any rate, I can tell you've listened to Marilyn Manson. "Sweet Dreams" "Beautiful People" and even "Killing Strangers" off the John Wick soundtrack. Speaking of the John Wick soundtrack, "Think" by Kaleida is on there and real chill. The whole soundtrack is pretty sweet.

I also like rock/metal covers of popular pop songs. I don't know why but they sound better, hah. I know people would disagree but oh well. I like the sound of instruments and screaming, more feeling in that regard. Since I'm talking metal/rock songs/bands, I think I'll name a few. I'm sure you've heard of some but some maybe not, anyway here goes...

Atreyu "Lip Gloss and Black"

Avenged Sevenfold "Blinded in Chains"

Bullet For My Valentine, and anything on their album "The Poison"

Lamb of God "Now You've Got Something To Die For" and "Ashes Of The Wake"

As I Lay Dying "Comfort Betrays"

Rob Zombie "Superbeast" "Living Dead Girl" and "Dragula"

Norma Jean "Memphis Will Be Laid To Waste" and "Pretendeavor: A Reference To A Sinking Ship"

Dead Drop, Gorgeous "Dressed For Friend Requests" and "It Sounded Like An Accident"

Tallah "Placenta"

Bring Me The Horizon "Diamonds Aren't Forever"

Fight Paris, and I skip the last bit, ahaha, you'll hear why, "100 Proof Woman"

Godsmack "Voodoo"

Every Time I Die "Guitarred and Feathered"

Powerman 5000 "When Worlds Collide"

Crash Romeo "Hell of a Time" and "Get Up, Shut Up"

I like to think I listen to a wide range of music, that's just some of my metal/rock playlist when I'm feeling good and wanna rock out. When I'm feeling low and stuff, I listen to softer stuff like Bright Eyes, Elliott Smith, Brand New, Armor For Sleep, Making April, Circa Survive, Saosin, Iron & Wine,  and I said The Spill Canvas. Or when I'm trying to read, I'll put on any classical music for background noise. I'm all tuckered out about music for now, so I'll maybe post again later, we'll see. See you tomorrow if not! Have a good one!

Wednesday!

There's still lots to me, I just don't know how to put it into words. I hear voices in my head, not all good and not all bad either. It's like another puzzle for my life to decipher to move ahead and I've got plenty of those by themselves but this adds another layer or depth to it, there's me, the voices and my heart, I like to think. My heart is what drives me to move forward and to help people along the way because wouldn't you want help if you sought it out? I do, so I try to help when I can even if it doesn't really help you at all but the choice you make is yet to be made, so I like to hope for a better ending even if the result is the same. Isn't that what they call insanity? I have no idea, or I should have more of idea, since I did go through a psychotic episode but I didn't learn anything from it besides not to trust the voices because they lie! I used to believe everything they told me. They seemed so logical and hard-boiled. It was hard to not to hear them out, people did react when I addressed them in that way but it wasn't the kind, friendly approach I'm used to, it's more devious, tyrannical and imposing your will onto them. It's more annoying than anything. Calculating all these equations to find the most simplest solution, I started to grow bold and assertive when I wanted something. More like a kid getting candy after hours of crying. It's not how I wanted to be, so I started spending more time alone with these voices to sort them out, they had to have values, right? They were in my head, so they must have sense of honor or something I can use to heed my way to see my way isn't so bad, so what if they didn't like you when you offer a hand to feed them and they bite it. Forgiveness can change the world if not one person at a time. I forgave my voices for putting through my own personal hell where I was the only occupant. They still chose to lie to me but some have changed and help me along. It's not as intense as it was before because of the medication I take every 3 weeks.

Now it's just me and my heart most days, voices pop up once in a while when I'm bored just to razz me. It's just nice to have some confidence in myself now and without the burden of my thoughts provoking other minds. Now if the voices say something in public, I can ignore them and move on like a normal person or what I think is normal. I have very little detail in that regard, I just do things my own way until it works or I find something better to believe/do as I've always done. I haven't completely mastered my mind, it still wanders but now I have some tranquility in my head whereas I felt exposed and grimy for my thoughts because I thought people could hear me even if I said it in my head. It was like something took over my body and I could do nothing but watch through my own eyes, what they do and say around these people. I didn't like it. I read up on body language in my free time to see if I can change anything about myself that people might perceive as weird. There was a few tips I picked up, like keeping my body language open so people would be more friendly towards me in a group. Rather than pick on me, like most group settings I found myself in. It could of been the people I hung around with weren't the greatest either. Anyway, I sound like I'm whining, aha. I'm not. Just trying to figure out what's real and what was in my head. I think I'll end it here and pick up another time or find something new to write about. See you tomorrow probably!

Early morning thing...

 CAUSE I'M AWESOME!

Anyway it's like 9:55 am currently.

I'm out of ideas, I'm just on Facebook. Thinking about playing FFR (FlashFlashRevolution, if you didn't know.) I met a friend on there long time ago. She was 15 or 14 at the time, I was the same age I think. I don't really remember but she was nice to me and I was nice to her, I didn't even know she was a girl till way later hah. When the site had this thing called, Profile Chat, it was just a chat box for people viewing profiles. I was talking about stealing gameboys and selling them in Taiwan or something, it's been ages since I've spoken about this. Not much happened, just became good friends with each other after briefly dating.

At any rate, I think I'll do some quizzes or something of the sort. I'll post the results here.

I got sorted into Slytherin when I did the Pottermore thing. My patronus was a greyhound. Alder wood with a dragon heartstring core, 13 ¼" and suprisingly swishy flexibility was my wand. Some dorky information.

Now some sort of who is your true self thing: For 46% you are: Ready to learn about your true self? You are true to yourself, and to your family. You don't have trouble telling others they are wrong, and can stand up for yourself. Good for you! So many are shrinking back, afraid to be honest with themselves and others. Not you. You are all about understanding what is real. This is a great way to be, so congratulations!

INFP-A is my 16personalities.com thing. I'll copy and paste some of the result: On the outside, Mediators (INFPs) may seem quiet or even shy. But they often have vibrant, passionate inner lives. Because they make up such a small portion of the population, people with this personality type may sometimes feel misunderstood or out of step with the world. Fortunately, their caring nature can help them create and sustain deep relationships with their loved ones. Mediators value authenticity, empathy, and harmony. These personalities tend to act with the best of intentions, and they are rightly proud of this trait. That said, they may feel isolated or discouraged when other people don’t share their idealism.

There's lots more they say about INFP-A or Mediators. Check out 16personalities.com for your own profile!

Took another spirit animal quiz and it was an Owl. I'd copy and paste but I closed the window and don't feel like looking it up. Something along the lines of being able to see through deceit and relying on the intuition to guide yourself.

Okay I think I'm done for today, maybe tomorrow I'll do some more or I'll type something up later on. Who knows! At any rate, have yourself a good day and remember to wash your hands!

So I put further thought into it...

 And the result is the same, I got nothing.

    Cody here. I'm currently finding new ways to fill my days since I've been in lock down for some months now. It's going to be a long winter, so here I am! For your reading convenience, I'm going to bring to life- A 30 question thing-ma-jig! Okay cue the trumpets! Doo-doo-doooooo!

Also like to note, I got the questions from this dude, Michal Korzonek, on journalsmarter.com

1. Is there something that you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? Being completely sober, I haven't because it's freaking hard. I always got to have something to fall back onto, otherwise I'd end up rolling up into a colossal mess.

2. What would you like to change about your family? I'd like to change our bad habits into something good, if it were possible I'd done it already.

3. What was a place or event that transformed your ideas, thinking, perspective, or made you come alive in a new way? What changed? When I started asking myself questions like, where am I going? What am I doing in my life? What can happen to me if I stayed in my head with my inner demons and let them have free reign in my life than my own self? I started to take control when I found out they have no power over me, even if they whisper lies still, I can have some comfort I'm still my own person.

4. What one thing you would do if it would be impossible to fail? I'd put my life into mathematics and solve one of the Millennium Prize problems, cause why not? I like to spice things up. I still could and who knows maybe I could, ahaha. Right.

5. What is something you love now, that you never could have imagined you would like in the past? Pop music. I never did like music if it were popular, only after the dying down of it, I'll get the lame hook stuck in my head or something.

6. If you could invite anyone, living or dead to dinner, who would that be and why? My grandmother, it would be nice to just have her company again. I may have forgotten your laugh but you'll always be remembered as my grandma.

7. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? Hm, I guess I'd like to know what would have happened if I said, "Yes" or along the lines of that to somebody I once knew and see where that would of gone. I wonder if we made for each other like it had seemed for those brief moments I got to know her.

8. What are you addicted to? Cigarettes and marijuana, occasionally like to drink too.

9. What’s the milestone you’re working towards right now in your personal and professional life? I'd like to start a book or something along the lines, eh? Eh, eh? I started this here blog to start my idea building and see where it takes me.

10. What was the most bizarre encounter you’ve had in your life? Butterflies! I mean, they followed me down the mountain near-by and I swear there was loads of them flying behind me as I walked down the road to get home. It was nice to see, I would of taken pictures but I didn't have a phone or anything at the time.

11. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet? Hm, I've told everyone what they need to know, I'm sure the only thing I can think of is, "I'm sorry but I guess my time is up. See you on the flip side." Hah, don't know what else.

12. What do you spend too much time doing? What don’t you spend enough time doing? I'm on the computer far longer than any individual should be and I don't spend enough time reading the books I have currently sitting by my bed.

13. What makes you feel most alive? Singing, even if I'm horrible I'm just happy to let myself go once in a while.

14. What is something you know you do differently than most people? I found out too late, people can't hear my thoughts and it drove me mad. Why did my mind turn on me? When did it decide I was not the one in control anymore? Months I pondered this until a realization in the hospital where I decided, no more games I shall play with you and now, I'll live my life the way I want it to go until I found love or lust, who knows? It was fun nonetheless.

15. What advice would you offer to yourself five years ago? One year ago? 5 years ago, I'd say something along, "Be prepared." Something ominous like that, to scare myself. 1 year ago, say like, "Keep doing what you're doing and you'll end up like your dad."

16. What small gesture from a stranger made a big impact on you? I have no idea, probably this old man who gives everybody compliments, he always seems in high spirits and it makes me happy knowing someone can be kind and giving.

17. What are you looking forward to in the coming months? My kids' birthday is soon, hopefully their mother will buy them something for me.

18. Did you ever feel lost in your life path? How did you find your way again? Most certainly lost myself in my late teens, early twenties. I had to be hospitalized to find out who I was again. Still suffer from small voices in my head, nothing too major but a nuisance. 

19. What do you want your epitaph to be? "Loving Father, Caring Brother, Forever Remembered" or something like that, it doesn't have to be perfect, I'm dead already, I'm not going to judge your words.

20. What do you regret not doing? Why haven’t you done it? Quit smoking, the cravings suck. I try to push my time away for the next smoke but I end up waiting like, 2 minutes or something before I crack.

21. What would constitute a perfect day for you? Morning coffee, cigarette and game out for a while, then eat breakfast, read maybe and eat again and go to sleep. My whole quarantine schedule.

22. What’s something you love about yourself? I love I can make myself feel things, put on a sad movie, I'll probably cry. Put on a rock anthem, I'm bound to rock out. I like feeling in control of my life.

23. When do you feel truly alive? Whenever I have some spending money to myself, it's good to treat yourself once in a while.

24. When people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with? Money or something.

25. What do you consider as your biggest achievement in the last 5 years? My kids I like to think

26. What is the most challenging part of your job? How do you handle it? Getting up every morning, I handle it by getting up anyway because I have to.

27. What was a major turning point in your life? Finding out I was unique as the snowflakes that fall and it really hit me when looking out the window stuck in the hospital, hoping for a better future than what I've already put myself through.

28. What’s one thing that could happen today that would make it great? People could talk to me, I'd be delighted just to reciprocate. 

29. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? I'd try to spend as much as I could with my kids and family because they really are the light in all my darkness. I never would of gotten as far as I thought by myself if it weren't for these special few in my life.

30. What would you like to ask yourself? I have no idea, I ask myself lots of things everyday and I answer correspondently, just not out loud.

Not too sure yet...

Hello!

I'm Cody Perreault, I'm a native Canadian. I got no idea what to type about or what I should even do on this thing. First off, I have 3 sisters and 6 brothers. All different ages, I'd rather not get into specifics because I'm bound to have forgotten a few. I don't have many friends, it doesn't bug me. I'm too scared of consequences than actual action to do something about it. Besides my sisters are a big part of my life, even if they're in the shape they are now, it doesn't mean anything. They are awesome in their own way. I haven't forgotten about my brothers but they are more independent than I am or it seems that way. Nothing against them. My dad and mom split when my youngest sister was 1. Fast forward 20 years, now I have a stepmom. She's okay, I guess. I still talk to my biological mother sometimes. Hmm... I don't know what else to say besides my life is at a point where I have to put some effort into it for something to happen otherwise, "apathy is death." A little Star Wars trivia there. My life hasn't been the greatest but I've been scrapping by all these years by myself and with help from some close family and maybe, a friend or two. Oh yeah, probably should of told you sooner but I have two kids. Twins, to be exact. Cool, eh? I think so. They're like the coolest thing to happen in my life even if it took me a while to realize that. But they know who I am, at least. Their mother can be quite tenacious, if I'm putting it lightly. We get along, don't get me wrong but it was better if we stayed apart or something... I'm an idiot and forgot what happened. Love wasn't there? Let's just say that. We still talk, I sometimes wish we were closer but that's just wishful thinking and let's not go down that road again, "Cody!" Hah. Oh yeah, I'm 29 years old. Almost the big three-O, gets me thinking to get things moving. To where? I ask myself. Anywhere but here! 

Anyways, I think I'll end it with some questions about myself.

1. What's your philosophy in life? I always joked, "Cody-ism" where Cody's be Cody but really, I don't know. I always liked just living, being alive is always a gift.

2. What’s your favorite book/movie of all time and why did it speak to you so much? "The Way of Shadows" by Brent Weeks. Why? It was one of the first few books I bought myself and it was such an awesome read, I can re-read it anytime and not be disappointed. Also named my cat after Kylar.

3. What’s the one thing that people always misunderstand about you? When I'm quiet people think I'm mad, when I'm just talking to myself in my head because I know no one wants to hear that racket, haha, but they seem so persistent on finding out what's wrong. Especially if they don't know I have schizophrenia.

4. What’s been your biggest mistake so far in life and what did you learn from it? OD-ing in my apartment. I learned to be a better version of myself than yesterday because time is short, it may end at anytime and what we've been given is what we have to make do with. Along other things.

5. What scene in a movie has evoked the most feelings out of you? The ending to, "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind" When Joel and Clementine argue about the past and trying again even if they get sick of each other, they were willing to change for/with another. Always brings a tear to my eye.